getting ready for surgery

as i get closer each day to my surgery i find it is necessary for me to remember why i need it.  see, i have no pain where the tumor is, i cant even feel it really except where it is tender where they did the biopsy.  i dont feel sick.  but i got to go tot he hospital and let the do al sort of other tests and then surgery.

i dont like hospitals.

i sure dont like the idea of some stranger cutting on me.

maybe i am being a crybaby, but i dont like the idea and i get little moments of panic.  so i try to calm myself by first pray9ing, asking God to get rid of the fear and to tell myself over and ver--
i have breast cancer.  i got to get it out.  they are going to cut it out for me.

so that is what i do over and over.  kinda silly i know but it helps..  on sep 25th i have to go back for post op and see the oncologist 
and a radiation person about radiation  treatment.  i am debating.

but who knows what wil happen.  as much as i dont like the ideas of this surgery, inside i feel it is necessary, that i have to do this.  it is a certan feeling so perhaps it is God letting me know  it is the right thing to do.  i do not have the feeling about radiation, tho.  whihc is why i am holding back.

i am up to about 8 grams of the cannabis paste--that is 8 capsules with about one gram each.  i am working up to 9.

if i eat a good meal and then take the 3 caps i have no real afects, but if i forget to eat or only eat a little and take the caps, i am incredibly tired and want to go to bed.  2 caps dont seem to bother me, the 3 i need to be careful about

after breakfast i take 3, then during the day i will take another 2 then bedtime i take 3.  i hve found if i take 3 during mid dya i am draggy and want to go lay down.

been getting up to 20 apricot kernals twice a dya.  sometimes i forget but i am usually pretty close.

i have forgotten the lypsomal vit C.  well, it is probably latent as i hate the tste and smell..grape juice covers it the best but stil, its gg potency is strong.  i was to be up to 9T a day.  hard to belive tht it gets too difficult to take only 9T but it gags me.  ugh, smells ike rotten wet cardboard.  ick.

essiac tea--crap, i feel off that wagon too but still working on it.

the pathology report will tell me if it has spread to my lymphs, that i am hoping has not happened and i am hoping when i get the sonogram before the surgery (they have to insert some wire thing) that the tumor has shrunk some----.

only time will tell, eh

well, i guess i will be back after the surgery and let you know how it is all going.

take care and God bless